Beer and Barbies
by BabyStretch
Summary: AU. Sixyearold Harry's hectic life. Lily and James are alive, Lucius Malfoy is a beerdrinking maniac and Voldemort likes pink. Could it BE any more random?


**Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing. Ok? Happy now? If I were J. K. Rowling do you think I'd spend my time writing fanfics in which Harry is six years old, gay and stuck in an alternate universe!?

**Rating:** T for the mental images.

**Author's Note:** Written by Woolma23 and beta-ed by Maniac. This is an extremely random fic. It's filled with lots of little parts of randomness – some you may get and some you may not. _Cependant, _it doesn't matter! Nobody has to understand it! And so, let the randomness commence. :-)

**P.S.** I don't care if Dumbledore has a weird accent! I love him this way! XD

**Beer and Barbies**

"I'm bored," Voldemort pouted one day, giving up trying to eat one of Hagrid's rock cakes to keep his mind occupied and concentrating only on his now broken teeth.

"Weren't you going to kill Harry Potter, My Lord?" one of his Death Eaters asked.

"Nah, that's way outta fashion now," Voldy said glumly. "Anyway, I can't be bothered. Who cares anymore?"

The Death Eater (Lucius) looked on the verge of tears. "But- My Lord- I-I even put mucous soup in his lemonade-"

Mouldy Voldy sniffed. "Sniff. I told you to add some beer!"

Lucius turned blue. "Oh. I- uh- I k-kinda drank it…"

Voldemort fainted.

-

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

-

"Harry?"

Harry groaned and slowly opened his eyes. "Ew- ew…" he muttered as he sat up, pushing his glasses up his slippy nose. His nose had always been very slippy, which annoyed him immensely. He'd rather it be green! But of course, his eyes just HAD to be that sickly colour, didn't they!?

James, now fully clothed, came hurriedly over to where Lily was fussing over Harry. Yes, he did feel sick, but only because of the sight he'd just unfortunately seen. Yes, he did have a sore head, but only because of the disgusting visions whizzing around inside it, making it spin unpleasantly. No, of course he wasn't all right! Mothers asked the stupidest questions sometimes. But, he supposed she hadn't expected her six-year-old son to burst into her and Dad's bedroom at two in the morning, had she? Or maybe she HAD?

The next thing Harry Potter knew, it was eight o'clock and Lily was shaking him awake, screaming he'd be late for school. Obediently, he got up, yawned, got dressed and wondered if what he'd seen last night was real, or just another of these horrible dreams he'd been having lately. Well, more of a nightmare! Six-year-olds weren't meant to experience visions like that yet!

Harry didn't have a very good day at school. Apart from being exceptionally popular he was also exceptionally thick, and was naturally devastated when he got all the questions in his spelling test correct! The teacher was furious at him, and gave him detention for only two days, just to prove her point. As Harry miserably walked out of school that day, for once not laden with homework, he heard a very strange noise. It was the sound of two beer bottles being bashed together, and on top of that, an immensely loud cross voice yelling, "EAT ME!"

He stopped and listened carefully, wondering why the author of this fanfic was so weird.

"THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING DOWN, PIE! PREPARE FOR… GLADIATOR!"

And with that, a huge big black thing swooped down on the poor boy, smothering him.

-

"EVERY NIGHT IN MY NIGHTMARES… I SEE YOU… I FEEL YOU… THAT IS HOW I KNOW YOU… GO OFF…" Voldymorty sang loudly, tugging a big pink Barbie brush through his multi-coloured layers. A couple of years ago, in the time of the miniskirts, he had got an amount of weird and wonderful things done to his previously boring, greasy black hair. Now he was The Coolest Dark Dude Ever!

Voldemort was just applying the cute butterfly clips he'd got for his birthday from Jeremy the Death Eater, when Lucius bashed the door down and dragged Harry Potter in. "Hiya Lucy!" he yelled, running over. Then he stopped dead. "WHO'S HE!?"

Lucius winced. He hadn't been expecting this at all. You'd have thought that at least Lord Voldemort would know who Harry was! "Uh- H-Harry Potter s-sir," he stuttered, trying to forget about the heavenly supply of beer he had waiting for him in his office. "You know…the Boy Who Lived…"

Voldy stared at him blankly. "Harry Potter?? Who the hell" Then it hit him. "OH, you mean, _Harry _Potter! Ack, tell him to wait. I still need to put my make-up on!"

Lucius bit his lip. He _definitely _hadn't been expecting this to happen. What was he supposed to do!? Play dolls with him or something!?

"Er… d'you want to play with some Barbies?" he asked Harry when they were safely out of Voldemort's shockingly pink bedroom.

Harry's face lit up at the idea. "Ooh, yes PLEASE!" he squealed excitedly.

Well. At least this was going to be easier than he thought.

-

Al Bumblebee was extremely worried. His plan had gone wrong in all directions. Harry was stupid, popular, had caught his parents in the middle of a not-so-casual love-making session, and liked Barbies! Oh dear. What was he going to do? Just then, Minerva McGonagall came in.

"Hi Minnie!" Al yelled, standing up. "You know, I'm SO glad ye just came in. I've got a really big"

Minnie froze as her brain leapt into gear.

"problem."

Minerva sat down. She waited. Then she waited some more. Al stared at her blankly. "Well, spill!" she said impatiently. "I haven't got all day!"

"OH, right! Well, ken Henry Porter?"

"Henry _Potter_, Al, not_ Porter_! Wait, I mean Harry Potter!"

"Yeah, him, well, he's- um- not very clever."

"And?"

"Well, um, he's supposed to be!"

"So?"

"He's as thick as two short planks!"

"Put together?"

"Aye."

"Oh."

There was a long silence in which Al fretted over Harry 'Porter' and Minnie pondered over how not being that smart would make things difficult. Fox the phoenix sat in the corner of Al's room, preening his dull beige feathers. Any minute now it would hit the stupid humans…

It did. "OUCH!" Al yelled, jumping up. "MINNIE! I'M BEING ATTACKED oh. Never mind. No I'm no. But anyway- Humphrey's been taken off by Death Eaters! Aah!"

Minnie did no more waiting. Immediately she stood up, brushed down her robes quickly and summoned Fox to her. "Harry, not Humphrey. Al, I'll see you at Operation Nine."

Operation nine was the official meeting place for the Invoice (wizard group who fights Voldy- includes Aurors, much to Harry's dislike). There were five wizards in the Invoice- Al, Minnie, Lily, James and Sevvy (Minnie's boyfriend). They were not all Aurors, though, only Lily and James. So far they had not been doing at all well to keep their operation hideouts secret. Harry had found most of them - the _fridge_, for god's sake! No, don't try imagining Al squashed in a fridge with Minnie - nooooo! What did I _just_ tell you!?

So anyway, then poor Al was left on his own standing there, feeling very confused, as usual. How infuriating.

-

Minnie was, should we say, _surprised_ at the sight her eyes met when she reached Voldy's 'secret' hideout, where he lived with his Thick Death Eaters. The meeting at Operation Nine had been a great success; Lily and James were searching for evidence that Harry really had been taken off by Death Eaters, Sevvy was trying to explain to Al what he had to do, and she herself, Minnie, was on the look-out. As I mentioned before, a rather unfortunate sight met her eyes when she arrived.

Little Harry Potter was sitting on the ground with 'Cindy wearing a thong' in his hands, singing each word after a large swig of beer, "Follow the Barbie bras, follow the Barbie bras!" at the top of his voice. He then started to bump them together in rather questionable positions (Lily and James were to blame). Beside him sat Lucius Death Eater, eating something that looked scarily like a little fluorescent green worm, yelling just as loudly "I LUV K! HE'S THE MAN! GRAVITATION IS THE BEST!" (As you may have noticed, Lucius is gay). It appeared they were having a singing/shouting contest. Minnie shivered. Harry actually looked like he was enjoying himself! Ugh.

She was just wondering what to do when there was a loud TWANG. No, it was not Harry pinging Barbie's bra. It was actually Lily, hitting the ground after trying, and failing, to ride via cloud. "Ohmygosh!" she squealed when she saw her son. "It's his first beer! How sweet! And he drinks it just like Homer Simpson!" Little cartoon hearts appeared in the air around her. She waved them away haughtily. "Oh, my," she sighed. (Minnie just stood staring. No one had noticed she was there.). "The Death Eaters are so wonderful and kind. We should call them the Dark Vaders from now on, for no particular reason. And we shall all eat ice cream! Ice cream I tell you…!" She skipped away humming.

And so everyone lived happily ever after.

The End 


End file.
